Monday, April 5, 2010
Dealing With The Loss of a Friendship
Right before the new year a friendship of 10 years was ended. I have to mention that the friendship was with an ex boyfriend of five years. We dated for five years and broke up when I discovered he was cheating on me. We were in the process of buying a home and two weeks away from closing. Our relationship ended because he chose to stay with the other woman. That relationship failed not too soon after. I ended up speaking with him again when his mother passed away right after we broke up. We maintained a friendship and I made a cruicial error in continuing an intimate relationship with him. We got close again and yes my feelings for him lingered. We kept up this kind of relationship for another five years. We both dated other people all while still spending time together. It got to a point where he actually said he'd like to give us another try. Well he said it and that's all he did. In the meantime he started seeing another woman which eventually would become his girlfriend. All while telling me it was nothing. I had some type of a credit or voucher to take a trip and invited him to come along. I was stupid in putting the money up front which he was to pay me back for. I booked the trip and wouldn't you know it, he had to back out when the woman he denied was his girlfriend found out. She found out through snooping . This took place because he got himself into a bit of trouble and she was watching his children at his apartment that day while he sorted out his mess. Needless to say, I stopped speaking to him after I lost my money on the trip from cancelling. And did I mention that this was for my birthday/mother's day? So anyway he must have gotten sick of his girlfriend and started to reach out to me again. Yeah me being the same fool accepted him back into my life. It wasn't in the same fashion still nevertheless invited him back into my life and my bed of course. I know it was because I never stopped having feelings for him no matter how much I told myself that I didn't. I'm soft and I know it.I'm very loving and forgiving and he preyed on that. Well we were getting along so well and I knew not to expect anything from him. But I'm sure deep down I felt that maybe we could find a way back. He'd broken up with the last girl but she was still lingering as well. I told him I didn't care because we were just seeing each other and we had no committment which I liked because I was free to meet other people. Even with me telling him that he didn't have to pretend or lie to me about seeing the ex girlfriend or anyone for that matter, he chose to be deceitful. I don't know why because he was single and so was I, and we didn't have an exclusive deal. It got to the point where he was telling me that the ex girlfriend was crazy and she didn't want to let go, yet there were pictures of him and her with their families celebrating and looking very much like a couple surfacing on his facebook page. Again I told him he didn't need to lie about it we're all adults and I can deal with him dating other people, I wouldn't necessarily be jumping for joy but wouldn't be angry. So yes, even with it being said for the hundreth time, he insisted on telling lies. So I got fed up after one conversation where he made it seem like I was crazy and even spoke out of line to me. I hung up the phone on him and we haven't spoken since. I wrote him a short email stating that I was saddened by the dynamic of our friendship and that we had a friendship where he could be honest, wished him well and that was it. If I'm being honest, I do miss the friendship part of our relationship. I opend up to him more than anyone before. Since then I keep myself guarded in some aspects. It eats away at me to see that he's gone on to enjoy himself and even has the ex girlfriend in his life. I feel like he chose a newcomer over me whom he had a relationship with and an even longer friendship. It hurts and I know that I deserve better but sometimes it gets to me. I'm a sensitive person so I take things so much more to heart. Right now I just want to be free of any lingering feelings I have for him. I'm just glad that I'm able to vent it here. Some times are just harder than others. I'm mostly okay with things but those moments come when the pain is just there again, like it never went away. I pray that one day soon I wont have to feel this way anymore. Help me universe.