It's been so very long since I've updated this blog. I was out there living out my 40th year on this Earth. It was the most amazing year of my life. I embraced turning 40. I looked forward to it and mapped out how my year was going to unfold. I did so many wonderful things from taking an extravagant vacation to Miami to attending an Alanis Morissette concert with my best girl, my daughter. I was generous with myself, which was long overdue. I took more vacations in that year than I ever have. I kept up with the weeding out of people and things that weren't supportive to my growth and well-being.
As I began putting this milestone behind me and welcoming 41, another epiphany struck, just as it did as I neared 40. Last year at this time I realized that I really needed to treat myself as well as I treated others. As another birthday approached something else became clear. It actually expanded upon the lesson from the previous year. Which is, that I really need to put myself above all others. That's right, even if it means family and friends. Damn waiting around for scraps to fall from the dinner table. I'm totally seating myself at the head of that table. Though my kids will always be number one in my heart, they are in their adulthood now and it's time for them to spread their own wings. They are the only people on this planet who will never lose a place in my heart. But now it's okay for mom to be selfish.
I came across this quote the other day and it resonated with me.
"I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self indulgent.
Caring for myself is an act of survival"--Audre Lorde
This is absolutely vital to me right now. At this point in my life there's nobody who's going to look after me better than I will. No one will be invested in my life and dreams when there's nothing in it for them. It's not the way I've lived my life all these years but I have accepted that fact. I've had countless conversations about this recently and I can't even get angry about it anymore. It is what it is. In a world where people have this "I'm getting mine, fuck anybody else" mentality, you have to step up and be your own advocate and cheerleader.
I've been taught through experience that giving the slightest bit more to others takes away from me evolving to where I need to be. I don't mean that you should turn a blind eye to others. It just means that they get the leftovers when I'm done giving to myself first. It's like the safety instructions on an airplane, you must first administer the oxygen to yourself before trying to help anyone else. I lived, learned, and loved my way to 40 and now I'm 41.